The Day Jerry Left
I cannot tell you how hard that was.
Even though I’d been preparing myself mentally for this moment for a full year, its intensity took me by surprise. I found myself pacing around the house, yelling “Damn! Damn! Damn!,” which scared the parakeets and didn’t help at all. So I made myself sit down, take deep breaths, and think as logically as possible how to get through the lonely days that lay ahead.
While Jerry and I had been in New York it was exam time back at the law school, and my Consumer Law students had taken their final exam (three hours---essay), which was waiting for me down at the law school. “I’ll keep busy,” I told myself. “I’ll scoot down to the school, pick up my exams, and start grading immediately!” This was a really dumb idea, and I knew it, but I was desperate. A stack of exam bluebooks should not be graded immediately but instead must be allowed age, like wine or cheese, until they can ripen into really good exams. But I hopped in the car, drove to the law school, bustled about as if nothing were wrong, picked up the exams, and brought them home. I installed myself in my favorite reclining chair and actually began to read one of the exams. But, of course, I couldn’t concentrate, the page blurred beyond comprehension, and I quickly tossed the exam across the room. Another series of “Damn!”s ensued.
I began muttering out loud, “I am not going to just sit here, cry, feel sorry for myself, worry about Jerry, or do something ridiculous like have a couple of drinks in the early afternoon.” Okay, but what else then? I was 53 years old, suddenly alone in a life that had almost constantly been lived with someone else, feeling ancient. Would anyone ever be interested in Old Doug again? Would I die alone, unloved? Relationships in the gay male world are no easier than in the straight world, and have the added complication that gay men are often first judged by physical appearance (I’ll explain why in some future post). I’d always had a vigorous workout routine, and was in fairly good shape, but, as just said, I was 53 (!) and suddenly felt older.
Jerry seemed to be in every room. It occurred to me that while he had his own agony to deal with, in one way Jerry had it easier than I did: he was off on a new adventure (and Jerry always loved a challenge), while I was stuck in the old existence with a big hole right in its middle.
“I know!” I said aloud, coming up with a plan. “I’ll get my social life going, call some friends and schedule things, maybe even set up a date in a month or so!” I thought about that. A date? Humm. If I had my druthers, who, of all the men I knew, would I most like to go to supper with?
I was stunned. I yanked the phone away from my ear as if it were hot, and just stared at it, flummoxed. After a moment I heard Mick say, “Doug? You there?”
Why the hell not? I thought in a savage rush. It was a much better idea than crying steadily the rest of the day. So, sounding as normal as possible, I told Mick I’d like that, and we agreed to meet in the main theater lobby at nine.
I put down the phone in a very different mood than I’d picked it up. Mick Powers was a dream man of mine, so this all didn’t seem possible, didn’t seem real. What had I done? Was I sorry I'd done it? Should I call and cancel? NO, NO, NO! Instead I went down to the basement and did my normal workout: 30 pushups, 30 deep knee bends, 30 sit-ups, 45 minutes on the Universal Gym Machine, and then jogging a mile. At eight that evening I showered, put on my black jeans, leather boots, tight black t-shirt, and drove down to the movie theater.
Two hours later, at my home, as Mick was leaving he gave me a big hug. “You are one sexy man,” he told me with a wink, and then left to get what sleep he could before going to work.
Sometimes, just when you need it, life deals you a really good card. The next day I woke up, and the extraordinary pain of Jerry being gone hit me like a physical force. It was a bad day, and filled with lots of tears and self pity (at one point both birds, never having seen me cry before, flew to my shoulder and nuzzled my neck, which made me cry all the harder). Jerry and my heartache were all I could think about.
Well, not quite all. Three or four times that day a stupid grin broke out on my face and stayed there for the longest time.
“Dog Meat,” December 27, 2009
“Recidivist: A Criminal Who Does It Again,” September 10, 2010
“Mary Beth and the Gay Teddy Bear,” September 25, 2010
"Seducing Straight Men," March 3, 2011
"Good Sex/Bad Sex: Advice on Making Love," November 9, 2011
"The Thrill of a Touch," August 14, 2012
“A Guide to the Best of My Blog,” April 29, 2013