Good Sex, Bad Sex: Advice on Making Love


In this blog I've sometimes discussed things I'm bad at ["The Many Faults of Douglas Whaley," "The Only Course I Ever Flunked," and "Mama Cat Saves My Life" are just three examples—see Related Posts below], but I've always had a robust sex life, even---in my twenties---with women.  I once had a couple of dates with a man who lived in Cincinnati (well, "dates" is a euphemism here), and on one visit to that city he took me to a party of his friends.  As he introduced me to the small crowd, he frankly announced, "He isn't much to look at, but—wow—is he hot sex!"  I was both offended and flattered at the same moment.  That very evening I suddenly figured out that he made his living as a thief ("I can get you an almost-new TV at a great price!") and we parted company forever, hot sex be damned.

When it comes to making love I have the same philosophy mentioned in this blog for the following things: teaching law, impressing people in a conversation, and acting.  The guiding principle is this: try to see the whole process from the point of view of the other person (the student, the interlocutor, the audience).  When I'm teaching, what I'm engaged in is not performing for the class and trying to convince them what a good instructor I am; it's about their learning the things they'll need to become first class lawyers.  When I'm trying to impress someone I'm talking to, I don't hog the conversation but try to keep it focused largely on that person ("Is it true you are friends with the Governor?").  On stage I've learned that showing off my talents for the audience is a mistake; instead I should ask myself "What are they seeing, learning, feeling about what my character is experiencing?" 

Good sex comes from a similar focus on your partner's desires and reactions.  From the very first moment zero in on making the other person know that in your eyes he/she is sexy, enticing, overwhelming you with desire.  Start with a compliment along those lines.  If your partner is a beauty, say so, and say it again as you proceed.  If he/she is not beautiful, then concentrate on the trait you do find desirable ("You have the sexiest smile!") and highlight that.  Don't fake this—if you want to go to bed with this person there must be something about him/her that attracts you, or, if not, why bother?

But making love is not about talking.  It's a right-brain activity, purely physical, and realizing that and what it means is the key to good sex.  In this blog (see Related Posts below) I've written about using the right side of your brain more effectively, and nowhere is this more important than in the bedroom.  The left side of your brain is concerned with words and numbers—matters that have nothing to do with good sex.  But the right brain understands the art of the touch, what a moan of desire conveys, and the startling thrill of an unexpected move.  When making love avoid the usual (boring) way of doing things and ask your right-brain if there isn't something different, surprising, or amazing that your partner will find sensual and exciting.  Your right-brains should "talk" to each other through the sexual acts—a carnal conversation.

Should you begin fast or slow?  Well, the one rule about sex is that there are no rules when it comes to sex; do what is right for the moment and right for the two of you.  There are couples who want sex hard and heavy from the moment they see each other, and encounters between them start with clothes flying in all directions as bodies collide.  But usually a slow approach is best: a gentle touch, a kiss on the neck, a finger moving sensuously against an area that is rarely touched by another.  But whatever you do and however you do it, see everything from the point of view of your partner.  Is he/she thrilled by what is going on?  What will excite him/her the most?  Study your partner's reaction.  If you hear "YES!" muttered when you do something, keep at it, give your partner more, and then step it up a notch.  But if your partner is squirming, not happy, or distracted, do something else.  Pleasing your partner is the goal, so judge his/her receptivity carefully.  Should your partner make a suggestion or indicate by a physical movement what should happen next, go for that (assuming it's within your own desires). 

What about kinky sex?  Well, as I said in the last paragraph, there are no rules about sex (except the criminal laws against rape, etc.), but if you want to do something that's outside the norm get your partner's permission ahead of time—don't try it without warning.  You may be very surprised (even shocked) as to what your partner would really like to try.  Before the sexual encounter gets underway, bring up your proposed scenario.  Ask "Have you ever considered ______?" (filling in the interesting blank with the desired fetish).  Watch the reaction.  If your partner looks concerned or disgusted, drop it and make sure he/she knows it isn't going to happen.  But if you get a smile, a nod, or a suggestion on how to improve the fun, well, blog reader, game on!  Sexual adventurers can lead very, very happy lives. 

If you and your partner have made love many times and that part of your lives is getting stale (or non-existent) it's time to shake things up.  Mechanical, paint-by-the-numbers sex is bad sex.  Sit down with your partner and ask if he/she would be willing to try something new.  Suggest something yourself or—even better—ask your partner what he/she has always wanted to explore.  When trying to think of ideas, dig down into your own deep, dark urges.  Is that a scary thought, blog reader?  Why?  Assuming what you want to do is safe, sane, and consensual, why the hell not try it?  Let me also give you permission to explore possibilities you've never thought about.  Type "sex toys" into Google, for example, and a whole new world will open up for you and the person you love.  Are you too staid, too mired in your habits to consider doing this?  Get over it.

We don't train people in how to have sex, and that's unfortunate because it means that one of the most enjoyable things you can do on the Planet Earth must be self-taught.  It's easy to get bad advice or misinformation about sex from movies, TV, novels, conversations you heard or mis-heard in high school or on Facebook, and to settle for "common understandings" about what happens in a sexual encounter, or, worse, to treat sex as if it were a test you must pass.  If you think that sex is a routine event with routine actions that's wrong.

When making love, you and your partner are allowed to enjoy every moment.  Give yourself permission to do that and you won't miss out on one of life's greatest pleasures.
Related Posts:
“The Socratic Dialogue in Law School,” January 31, 2010
"The Many Faults of Douglas Whaley," March 31, 2010
"Douglas Whaley, Actor," August 14, 2010
“The Thunderbolt,” September 9, 2010
"How To Impress People in a Conversation," October 1, 2010
"Men, Women, and Pornography," December 10, 2010
"The Left-Brain/Right-Brain Life," January 17, 2011
"Seducing Straight Men," March 3, 2011
"Life's Little (But Important) Rules," April 23, 2011
"The Only Course I Ever Flunked," July 25, 2011
"Mama Cat Saves My Life," October 23, 2011
“The Thrill of a Touch,”August 14, 2012
"Fifty Shades of Grey: Corbin Milk in the BDSM World," December 26, 2012
“A Guide to the Best of My Blog,” April 29, 2013


  1. It is interesting that sex,one of the prime biological functions, is the least understood and taught.


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