I’d like to offer some minor relief for the hard pressed liberal community, which includes my much-oppressed husband, David Vargo, suffering greatly from the excesses of the Trump Administration (not yet a month old). I present for your consideration “FAKE NEWS FOR LIBERALS!” Just pretend these news snippets are real and easing of your stress will follow immediately. Let’s get started.
1. Conway and Spicer Discovered in Love Nest
This one is a shocker! Though both are, in their words,“happily married” to others, Kellyanne Conway, Counselor to President Donald Trump, and Sean Spicer, Trump’s Press Secretary, were photographed in a compromising assignation at the Lincoln Memorial at 3 a.m. last Tuesday evening. (See photo below) Outraged, they’ve both denied they are the couple in the photograph. “I’m super faithful to my wife,” Spicer said,” and, besides, I don’t like blondes.” For her part Conway asserted that on the night in question she was out of town, visiting an aunt in Alternative, Iowa.
|[Click to enlarge]|
When Donald Trump was asked about the assignation he replied he didn’t know if it was true or not, but “Why shouldn’t they be hot for each other? They’re both very sexy people, though not, of course, as sexy as I am.”
2. Michelle Obama Throws Her Hat in the Ring
Though she’d stated she had no interest in public office as recently as the beginning of 2017, Michelle Obama fired up the Democratic Party this morning by announcing she’s forming a campaign committee to explore a run for the Democratic nomination for president in 2020. “Every day I hear more news about what Donald Trump has done in the White House and, frankly, it makes my blood boil!” she explained. Excited supporters are forming their own committees, state by state, and donations are already pouring in though it’s not clear how this is being done or where to send the millions of dollars already promised.
When Barack Obama was quizzed by reporters as to what he thought about his wife’s decision, he smiled broadly and declared that he’d love to return to the White House as “First Gentleman.” He added that he “always went along with Michelle when she decides to do something, so I’ll follow her lead.”
3. Korean Leader Dead!
In shocking news it was just revealed that yesterday North Korean leader Kim Jong-un was assassinated by his own troops who suddenly attacked the reviewing stand in which he was seated and hacked his body to pieces. When the soldiers were done they quickly took over all government buildings and declared their intent to petition South Korea to amalgamate the two countries into one, to be called simply “Korea.” When the leader of the triumphant troops was asked why they had killed Kim Jong-un he replied that “He was too ugly a person to live, and we got really, really tired of being forced to smile, applaud enthusiastically, and goosestep in tight formations while starving.”
In keeping with the tradition Kim Jong-un began when he had his own uncle murdered, the dead leader’s body was fed to a pack of dogs. There will be no funeral.
4. Donald Trump’s Obituary
Solemn news. Just as this blog post was going to press Donald Trump died unexpectedly when he fell from the Truman balcony of the White House to his death this afternoon. Apparently he screamed all the way down, so it is unlikely this was a suicide. Beside him on the balcony at the moment of his unfortunate fall were his wife Melania, his young son Barron, and Vice President Pence. Police are interrogating them at this time. Strangely they all appear unwilling to cooperate fully in the investigation, claiming they didn’t see anything. “He was here one second, then he wasn’t,” was all a dry-eyed Melania could contribute. Barron was so overcome by emotion that he could express his grief only by uncontrolled laughter.
Vice President Pence will be sworn in at the police station, reliable sources state.
A number of tourists captured the President’s deadly fall and snapped photos of our leader’s demise. Here's one:
|[Click to enlarge]|
Well, that’s all the news that isn’t. But one might wish some of it was. Pick your favorite.
“A Guide to the Best of My Blog,” April 29, 2013; http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2013/04/a-guide-to-best-of-my-blog.html
“Careful What You Wish For: Making Trump an Illegitimate President,” January 20, 2017; http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2017/01/careful-what-you-wish-for-making-trump.html
“President Preposterous: Donald Takes the Helm,” November 14, 2016; http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2016/11/president-preposterous-donald-takes-helm_14.html
“Calm Yourself: What Trump Can and Cannot Do About LGBT Rights,” November 16, 2016; http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2016/11/calm-yourself-what-trump-can-and-cannot_16.html