How To Cure Homophobia
Whether
you were sent this blog post by someone who loves you or you found it yourself,
I’m assuming you’re troubled by the fact that there are gay people in your
world and either wish that (a) they weren’t gay, (b) they’d hide their gayness
the way they used to, (c) they’d change over to being straight, (e) they’d get
out of your life, or (f) ____________ (fill in the blank).
It
must be very frustrating to be labeled as a “homophobe,” a derogatory term, and
one now used by a minority and pinned on those who were the majority of people
on the planet (and probably still are).
A
phobia is a fear of something, and,
most likely, you don’t fear gays, you just don’t like the idea of
homosexuality, a different issue entirely.
Even worse “homophobe” is lumped in with ugly epitaphs such as “racist,”
“sexist,” or “prejudiced,” and you are not any of those things.
Perhaps
your religion condemns homosexuality and you are a very religious person. The Quran does this, and the Bible has seven
or eight references to the sinfulness of gay activity. I wrote a blog post about the latter; see “Does
the Bible Condemn Homosexuality and Gay Marriage?” June 29, 2014; http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2014/06/does-bible-condemn-homosexuality-and.html. If your religion tells you that homosexuality
is a sin, it’s very difficult for believers to come to a different conclusion,
and quite cruel to call such godly people ungodly names like “homophobe.”
But,
all that aside, to your annoyance you’re now being forced to deal with the fact
that gays are largely accepted everywhere which encourages them to come out by
the hundreds, the thousands, the millions, and suddenly—almost overnight—you
are confronted by this phenomenon more or less on a daily basis. If your reaction is negative and people
notice it you will risk their disapproval and, in addition to the “HOMOPHOBE” branding iron being pressed
to your forehead, you might lose the love and approval of people who are
important to you, people in your family, workplace, neighborhood, or even
church. If you doubt that latter
category is possible, I know of a judge who refused to grant gays civil rights
in a jurisdiction where that was the correct current statutory result and then
was astounded when the pastor of his own church, a progressive congregation,
refused to speak to him.
With
all this prejudice against you, how does a person who thinks homosexuality is
wrong fight back?
One
of the hardest things to do in life is to change one’s fundamental beliefs on any
given subject. It’s so hard that many
people can’t do it unless boxed into a corner where that’s the only choice
left. But if you find yourself in that
corner, depressed and confused, perhaps it’s time to take a deep breath and reconsider
your position. What follows are some of
the reasons people dislike gays and then an exploration of the soundness of
those conclusions.
1. I Don’t Understand Why Gays Choose To Be Gay.
The
answer is that they don’t. Given the world
gays are born into they’d have to be nuts to choose a life in which they
would be shunned by most people who discover they are homosexual, thrown out of
their own homes, bullied at school, physically attacked, denied employment,
called sinners, thought of as sick, and even jailed in many parts of the world
(where sometimes the penalty is an ugly death; see http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2015/06/atheists-and-gays-in-islamic-countries.html). Do you think gay people are really that
stupid? My husband has a typical story:
he didn’t fit the heterosexual stereotype when he was a small boy so he was
called a “fag” all through grade school and high school, being subjected to
daily insults, often including physical attacks, his life miserable. He didn’t know what a “fag” was when this
started and had done nothing to make anyone think he was gay except fit a
certain image in the heterosexual mind.
His outraged parents complained to the Catholic schools he attended, but
the nuns and priests did nothing to protect their son, sometimes even
encouraging his attackers. It turned
out, however, that the bullies were right: when he matured he was interested in
sex with men and only men, but it wasn’t something he chose. It was just the card he was dealt.
[Click To Enlarge] |
Dr. Alfred Kinsey |
Over
and over again gays and lesbians will tell you variations on this same
story. Are they all lying or mistaken
about what happened? Research by experts
confirms that homosexuality (and heterosexuality) are not choices. People are born
with the sexual orientation they will have all their lives, though for many
people (I was one of them—as this blog attests I have a complicated story) it
takes awhile to figure out what that is.
It’s important to understand that heterosexuality and homosexuality are
not two mutually exclusive clubs. Dr. Alfred
Kinsey discovered this in the middle of the last century when his interviews
with thousands of volunteers revealed that sexual orientation is much like skin
color: some people get more pigmentation than others, but they don’t get to
chose how dark their skin is—that’s genetic.
His famous “Kinsey Scale” goes from zero to six, with people who are
exclusively heterosexual being given a zero, and those who are completely
homosexual are given a six [I had a gay friend, a cop, who claimed that he was
a “six headed for seven,” but he was clowning—six is the top number]. People who are predominantly straight but
with some homosexual interests get a one, with the number rising as interest in
homosexual activity increases. True bisexuals
would be a three. Kinsey’s conclusion
was that roughly ten percent of the male population falls into categories five
(mostly gay, with some minor straight interests) and six, and this is where the
popular figure “gays are ten percent of the population” originated. The numbers are more complicated for women,
and all of the above is a simplification of what Kinsey reported, but you’ll
have to do the research yourself to see what I mean. Kinsey’s statistics have been challenged but
have stood the test of time; see “Are Gays Really Just 1.6% of the U.S.
Population?” July 26, 2014; http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2014/07/are-gays-really-just-16-of-us-population.html.
This
means that people who are totally straight (“zeroes”), a large percentage of
the population, will be puzzled by the supposed “choice” of homosexuality, but people
who are not zeroes on the scale will have some sort of “choice” in that they
have some gay urges, albeit very small for, say, “ones.” People who are not zeroes might force
themselves into a heterosexual lifestyle and put their homosexual desires
(however strong) in a lock box, trying not to ever act upon them, nor admit
their existence not even to themselves.
But sexual desires are strong, not easily caged and ignored. Comes the night when the situation lines up
the elements perfectly (the right amount of liquor, complete privacy, no chance
of exposure, an eager and desirable partner) and suddenly the jail door opens,
sex occurs, and remorse follows. Many
millions (billions?) of people have gone through their lives hiding their
sexual inclinations toward the same sex only to be exposed and ruined when it
all comes crashing down. This leads to
suicide, madness, broken homes, ruined careers.
Phrased another way: homophobia,
as a societal norm, leads to all those things.
If there were no homophobia no one would be surprised (or care) that “straight”
people sometimes had gay fun.
2. Gays Should Change Their Sexuality Through Therapy or Religious Groups That Promise Conversion to Heterosexuality.
I
wrote a blog post on this common assertion called “How To Change Gay People
Into Straight People,” September
20, 2010;
http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2010/09/how-to-change-gay-people-into-straight.html. Here is the first paragraph of that post:
http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2010/09/how-to-change-gay-people-into-straight.html. Here is the first paragraph of that post:
You can’t. During my gay rights activist days and
right up until the current moment, I’ve had a standing offer about this. I will
contribute $5000 to the charity of choice of an individual or organization that
can produce five men who were once gay and are now straight. There are various
conditions: (1) the men must have had significant gay experiences in their
lives, (2) become straight through whatever process, and (3) for at least five
years thereafter remained completely straight. Finally, they must not have ever
been leaders or volunteer workers for ex-gay organizations (just, therefore,
normal members) and pass rigorous tests to determine their current sexual
orientation (see me for details—I am serious about this). Since ex-gay
organizations have been around for over thirty years, you’d think they’d have
thousands of former participants who’d easily meet my criteria, but so far no
one has taken me up on this. Note that I’m not proposing a bet. If the
person/organization can’t find five men who pass the tests, they lose nothing
other than a creditability that is often widely touted, but is in tatters
whenever considered objectively. (I would require that if five converted
straight men are not produced, the expenses of testing be paid for by the
entity accepting my challenge.)
The
history of organizations, whether religious or not, who try to change gays into
straights is embarrassing in its exposure of fraudulent promises and practices
and complete failure to produce the promised results. The leading one of these, Exodus
International, which had existed for many decades, finally folded in 2013 and
admitted that in all of its years of operation it had never changed the sexual orientation of a single person; see http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2013/06/a-homophobic-organization-throws-in.html. Nor has “reparative” therapy done any better,
while charging thousands of wasted dollars to hapless patients who desperately
want to change but get nothing but thinner wallets. A number of states (led by California and New
Jersey) have forbidden such therapy by law, and it’s roundly condemned by all
the leading medical associations.
No
one who had studied the matter objectively disagrees with this statement: you
cannot change gays into straights no matter how hard the individual wants to
change, no matter which religion tries, no matter how much money is spent, and
no matter how sincere the effort on the part of all involved. It just
doesn’t work. Any temporary
victories touted by the “cure” are found to have been failures when
investigated a year or so later.
If
you think I’m wrong about this, explore the issue yourself. See if you can find someone who’ll take me up
on my challenge. Twenty years after I
first made it not a single soul or organization has come forward to make the
effort. I’d love to test it—with lots of
publicity for the winner.
3. Frankly, I’m Disgusted By What Gays Do In
Bed.
Oh? Well I know some gays (not me—I always had a
good time making love to women) who are disgusted by what heteros do in
bed. If such easily-shocked gays were in
the majority would their revulsion be a legitimate ground for
banning heterosexuality?
The
truth is that it’s hard to imagine any two people, straight or gay, who aren’t already
sexy and beautiful, making love (say your own parents or your neighbors)
without feeling some unease at the thought.
How
about this: we vow to never decree public policy based on images of other
people—no matter their orientation—making love.
We’ll all sleep better.
4. My Religion, My Training, My History Makes Me
Homophobic.
That’s
true, very true, of many people, but it simply means that society has misunderstood
the issue for centuries. Must this
misunderstanding continue to condemn perfectly good people to a life of
shame? And these days, as society begins
to correct this ancient mistake, perhaps it’s time to ask yourself whether you
have the ability to say to yourself, “I need to rethink this issue, and decide what’s
fair and what’s not.”
5. Conclusion.
If
you let it homophobia can take your life down sorry paths, destroy valuable
relationships, and earn you a reputation no one would want.
One
of my blog posts cautions parents that they are almost certain to regret
condemning their children when they find out those children aren’t straight;
see “Disowning Your Gay Children,” October 9, 2013, http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2013/10/disowning-your-gay-children.html.
If what I’ve
said above is true, your children haven’t done anything wrong when they finally
trust you enough to tell you the big secret that’s been tearing them
apart. If you react badly you’ll never
feel good about what you did, and—I call this the “Deathbed Test”—when you are
very old and lying in your final bed about to die, you’ll almost certainly wish
you could go back in time and say different words instead of the hateful ones
that ruined everything.
The proper attitude towards gay people is simple. It’s the same attitude you should have in
judging anyone. Don’t ask cultural or
racial or ethnic or sexual orientation questions when making evaluations of
worth; doing so will end up with ugly adjectives attached to your name. Instead make a simple inquiry. Is this a good person or a bad person?
We all should have to answer that one.
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Related
Posts:
“The Deathbed Test,” July 27, 2010; http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2010/07/deathbed-test.html
“How
To Change Gay People Into Straight People,” September 20, 2010;
http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2010/09/how-to-change-gay-people-into-straight.html.
http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2010/09/how-to-change-gay-people-into-straight.html.
“A Homophobic
Organization Throws in the Towel: Goodbye to Exodus International,” June 21,
2013; http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2013/06/a-homophobic-organization-throws-in.html
“Disowning
Your Gay Children,” October 9, 2013, http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2013/10/disowning-your-gay-children.html
“Are
Gays Really Just 1.6% of the U.S. Population?” July 26, 2014; http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2014/07/are-gays-really-just-16-of-us-population.html
“Atheists
and Gays in Islamic Countries: Ugly Deaths,” June 18, 2015; http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2015/06/atheists-and-gays-in-islamic-countries.html
“Does
the Bible Condemn Homosexuality and Gay Marriage?” June 29, 2014; http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2014/06/does-bible-condemn-homosexuality-and.html
“A Guide to the Best of My
Blog,” April 29, 2013; http://douglaswhaley.blogspot.com/2013/04/a-guide-to-best-of-my-blog.html
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