The far right is always fretting about the dreaded HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA, which in their worst nightmares has gays taking over the world and imposing their perverse lifestyle on (to use my father’s word) “normal” people. In reality, it turns out that the homosexual agenda has no goal more grand than being treated like everyone else. Plus, given that all modern research shows homosexuality to be biological in origin and comprising around ten percent of the population, it's impossible that homosexuals could flip a sufficient number of straights to gain control of the planet. Damn.
But for you heterosexuals reading this, I want you to imagine what would be your lot in such a gay-dominated world. Take a deep breath.
From a very early age—and certainly by puberty—you’d be aware of a strong attraction to the opposite sex. Think back to your earliest sexual stirrings and remember how that felt. Now think about what it would be like to hide that attraction all the rest of your life.
You’d be taught from your earliest years that such desires are “sick” and “sinful” (and in many parts of the world outright illegal). Would you nonetheless be brave enough to tell your parents that you are attracted to the opposite sex? How awkward would that conversation be? Would they be disappointed in you? Worried about how difficult your life would be as a straight person? Throw you out of the house and lead the rest of your family in shunning you? Consider what life on the streets would be like for a teenager in your position. Would you risk that or would you elect, as most straights do, to live a lie? Maybe if you pray enough or see the right therapist you can become gay. Try that and see if that works. Or, how about this: marry a person of the same sex and hope that leads to happiness.
You might find other heterosexuals who share your disgrace, but that’s a harder task than at first appears. Most heterosexuals are very good at hiding their sexual orientation and pretending to be gay, and they will come out of their straight closet only with patient coaxing. You might try flirting to see if the one you’re attracted to is really straight, but that carries with it the serious risk of being beaten senseless by the object of your affection or his/her friends (or even the police). Be careful.
The only straight people you will routinely see on TV or in your neighborhood are the stereotypes of heterosexuality: men and women who so straight they can’t hide it, and who therefore shamelessly flaunt their interest in one another—men and women who go so far as to live together, or frequent bars catering only to straights, or who display public affection! They are even invading TV shows and movies!
You aren’t that brave, at least not at first, so you live alone a lot with your misery. Even if you do stumble upon true love, you will of course have to hide it. You can’t let the world know you are straight, so you can’t hold hands with the woman/man of your dreams, much less engage in such a radical act as a public kiss. Kissing a member of the opposite sex in the wrong venue, say as passengers in an airplane, can lead to very unpleasant scenes, including threats of arrest.
When it comes to choosing a job, you’ll be challenged to break out of the stereotypical heterosexual occupations: for men these are construction worker, action movie star, professional athlete; teacher, lap-dancer, housewife being reserved for women. No matter how patriotic or martially talented you might be, you will be forbidden by law from serving in the military. Ever since the Battle of Thermopylae in 480 B.C., it has been the accepted wisdom that gays make the best soldiers, and allowing straights to join them would destroy the cohesiveness of military units. If you protest that this is ridiculous, know that when it comes to the combination of logic and straights-in-the-armed-services the motto is “don’t ask, don’t tell.”
In most places on the earth you can’t marry your true love, no matter how real your devotion and deep your commitment. You may live together, but the world at large will know that you’re really just a “pretend” couple and will certainly not allow you the many benefits of marriage. In most states you can’t get health care through your partner’s occupation, can’t make medical decisions for him/her in the event of an emergency (or even be allowed in the sick room), and, due to inheritance laws, will have to pay a crippling amount of taxes when your so-called “spouse” dies, or else lose the home you have lived in for decades. At the funeral your soul mate’s family, who have always hated you and the lifestyle you so wickedly imposed on their child, will take over and, if they allow you to attend at all, will seat you with the general mourners. None of the speakers at the burial service will mention your name, and you will not be invited to console the biological family afterwards, and only your close friends will attempt to console you. Unless you are careful to have iron-clad wills in place, these same people will ransack your house and carry off treasures you and your love have accumulated through the years. If you are reckless enough to actually have children, they will become the littlest victims of all this heterophobia.
When, inevitably, you snap and howl at the unfairness of it all, you’ll be met with the ultimate (and unanswerable) justification: their religion commands this treatment of your kind. In vain you’ll wonder what sort of religion could possibly be so cruel.
Sounds pretty horrible, right? Well, the good news is that things are getting better for you poor straight people. Many gays and their institutions, and even some religions, are tolerant of heterosexuality, or, better, actually supportive. Alas, the government is still heterophobic on all matters that count, but if you are careful enough (hide things or find the “straight” part of the city to live in, come out only to the “right” gay people) you can live a life without significant stigma. It’s better than nothing.
Okay. Now take another deep breath and be grateful this is all a fantasy.
“How I Lost a Gay Marriage Debate,” April 29, 2010
“Marijuana and Me,” July 11, 2010
"Choose To Be Gay, Choose To Be Straight," January 25, 2011
"The Homosexual Agenda To Conquer the World," February 8, 2011
"Seducing Straight Men," March 3, 2011
"Coming Out: How To Tell People You're Gay," March 27, 2011
"Jumping the Broom: How 'Married' are Married Gay Couples?" July 17, 2011
"The Legacy of Homophobia," August 2, 2011
"The History of Gay Rights in Columbus, Ohio," June 4, 2012
“Gay Marriage, DOMA, Proposition 8 and the Mysterious Supreme Court,” January 15, 2013