“Some Lottery Winners Score $400 Million”—An April Fool’s Day Joke
As described in this blog in past posts [see Related Posts
below] my mother was not to be trusted on April Fool’s Day. Every April 1st was a morning that I awoke
with dread, or, if I forgot, regretted my mistake. My sister, Mary Beth Colpitts, has carried on
this tradition, though—thankfully—not with me as its intended victim. As this post reveals, I myself am not above
mischief on this traditional day of fun.
I was married this past November to David Vargo, a wonderful
man who trusts me. A perfect setup for
April Fool's Day fun. But I knew I had to
play it carefully. David is a sensitive
person and I didn’t want to worry him with some cruel exploitation (“I have
cancer”), even if very temporary. A good
April Fool’s prank is harmless, and the best ones raise the spirits instead of
depressing the victim . . . er, subject of the joke. I rejected a number of possibilities before
settling on the scheme I chose.
We have two cats, much discussed in this blog: Mama and
Barney. Mama is so named because at the
age of twelve months, declawed but not spayed, she got out of her prior home,
had an adventure with a tomcat, and produced a litter of kittens in the urban
wild before she and two surviving kittens were rescued, taken to a vet, the
kittens weaned, and Mama (now spayed) passed on to me to raise (four years
ago). Barney is a tom, large, grey,
friendly, dumb, extremely lovable. He
was neutered and declawed when I took him home from a cat shelter also four
years ago. David loves both of these cats very much, and
that affection is reciprocated. Barney
follows him around like a dog when David comes home from work.
Mama and Barney at Play |
So on Tuesday, April 1 of this year I texted David the
following message:
Mama hacking like hairball caught
in her throat so I took her to the vet.
He says she is pregnant!!! I told
him that was impossible but he explained the ways it could have happened, which
I’ll detail for you tonight. In any
event, get ready for kittens.
Almost immediately the phone rang. It was David calling from work, which he
never does, asking for more of an explanation.
I said that it was complicated but that the vet did give us the option
of aborting the kittens immediately.
David was horrified at that, and quickly said, “No, no. We’ll deal with the kittens.” I thought that was sweet.
When he came home two hours later he was exuberant. Patting Mama he commented “Preggers, eh?”
with a smile, and he picked up Barney and hugged him while cooing “You dog, you!” At his urging I explained that the vet detailed
how it all could have happened, saying that a female cat who is spayed has had
her plumbing rearranged, but that is some rare cases it can reconnect, causing
her to go into heat. The vet noted that
Mama is something of a butterball and that this occurrence never happens unless
the cat gets some real exercise regularly.
As I knew he would David lit up at this.
“Mama is forever tearing around the house at great speeds,” he
enthused. Yes, she does; we call her the
“galloping cat” when she goes whizzing by.
“But what about Barney?” David asked.
“Well,” I went on, “the vet says the same thing can happen to a neutered
male, and particularly if a female goes into heat. The vet asked me if Barney shows any signs of
an interest in sex.” “Yes!” David replied
firmly. In spite of being neutered
Barney masturbates every night, though his rubbing against the bed clothes produces
nothing more than an apparently satisfying climax. I continued, “The vet said
that in very rare circumstances neutering too can come undone.”
“This is all really unlikely,” David remarked, shaking his
head, puzzled. I lit up. “The vet said the same thing—that the odds of
either thing happening to one cat are great and the odds that it would occur to
both at the same time mathematically almost impossible! But then the vet added that ‘Someone has to hit
the lottery in spite of similar incredible odds, and this is just like that
except instead of $400 million you get kittens!’” David laughed delightedly. “Can you imagine how wonderful the kittens of
Barney and Mama will be?”
The joke having succeeded it was unfortunately time for the
decompression. “The vet also added,” I continued,
“that these things are most likely to come together at this particular time of
the year.” David didn’t understand, so I
elaborated, “April 1st.”
The light dawned. “NOOOOO!!!”
he wailed. “No kittens at all?” My poor husband was torn between laughter and
the major disappointment that we weren’t about to have a birth event in the
condo as so recently contemplated.
Our good friend Pamela is now down from thirteen cats to five, and when she heard this story she snorted in derision, “No one could believe that! When a cat is spayed they don’t just disconnect things, they cut them out!” But when I carefully related my prank as if it were an actual event to five or six other people (including my prankster sister, who heard the story on April 1st) they all fell for it just as David had. Pamela is an expert on cats in a way that most people are not. And we all root for motherhood.
David and the Childless Barney |
Our good friend Pamela is now down from thirteen cats to five, and when she heard this story she snorted in derision, “No one could believe that! When a cat is spayed they don’t just disconnect things, they cut them out!” But when I carefully related my prank as if it were an actual event to five or six other people (including my prankster sister, who heard the story on April 1st) they all fell for it just as David had. Pamela is an expert on cats in a way that most people are not. And we all root for motherhood.
I’m already planning next year’s April Fool’s Day stunt, but
it will have to be carefully executed.
David’s on his guard now but we’ll see if it holds up for an
entire year.
Related
Posts:
"My Mother's Sense of Humor," April 4, 2010
"Mama, Biopsies, and
My iPad," May 19, 2010
"Teaching English to Cats," August 6, 2010
"The Purring Heart," November 23, 2010
"Two Cat Stories: Mama and Barney in the Wild," July 9, 2011
"Teaching English to Cats," August 6, 2010
"The Purring Heart," November 23, 2010
"Two Cat Stories: Mama and Barney in the Wild," July 9, 2011
"Zoo Stories,"
August 30, 2011
“Mama Cat Saves My Life,”
October 23, 2011
"Stepping on
Cats," February 8, 2012
“Snowbirding, My iPhone
5, and the Coming Crazy Cat Trip,” December 5, 2012
“Barney and the Big
Mammal Nightmare,” January 7, 2013
“Amusing Pictures of Cats and Other Animals,” May 10, 2013
“My Cats Get Involved in My Knee Surgery and Selling My Condo,” June 7, 2013
"Teaching Cats the Rules of the House," July 16, 2013
“Amusing Pictures of Cats and Other Animals,” May 10, 2013
“My Cats Get Involved in My Knee Surgery and Selling My Condo,” June 7, 2013
"Teaching Cats the Rules of the House," July 16, 2013
“A Guide to the Best of
My Blog,” April 29, 2013
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